Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Is that a Tic-Tac in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?
I came across this article. I was impressed at the many creative ways to describe the severed and poorly preserved penis of a French ruler. Makes me want to write a limerick.
Napoleon, you'll never believe this
The doctor's clipped off your little penis
Like a gerkin too far
From the pickle jar
Your "jerky's" made all of us curious
Napoleon, you'll never believe this
The doctor's clipped off your little penis
Like a gerkin too far
From the pickle jar
Your "jerky's" made all of us curious
Thursday, May 6, 2010
When I grow up, I want to be a unicorn
Last week I took a trip with my lovely mother-in-law to Longwood Gardens. I saw this amazing display of Bonsai trees. My first introduction to Bonsai was through Mr. Miagi. These trees were perfect, with branches and roots and bark and leaves, but only stood 2 or so feet tall. One dated back to 1906. I had no idea what an art this was and naturally I began to think "maybe I should take up a Bonsai tree hobby".
Let's stop here. In my house there is a certain unfortunate condition plants tend to succumb to. It's called "Failure to Thrive Inspite of Serious Neglect" or FTISN for short. I don't even remember to water a plant and I think I will dedicate all of the time and conscientious effort required to carefully pruning a Bonsai? A few days later, one of the plants which has been unfortunate enough to end up in my house was browning. I remembered the Bonsai, took out my kitchen sheers and began snipping. 'Til I was done, there was little plant left , BUT I had satisfied the Bonsai desire in me.
Then, this past weekend I was volunteering at an African Festival and got the grand idea, "Maybe I should take African dance lessons and join the Nbonye Dance and Drum Ensemble". Of course to have this thought, I must suppress memories of previous dance experiences, where it took me SIX times longer than everyone else and I still couldn't get my parts down.
I get ideas, really bad ideas that cannot actually fit into my life or be nurtured by me and then I swaddle them and tuck them in close to my heart and begin to feel attached to them. Then, even though they were VERY bad ideas from the beginning, when I realize they can't or better put shouldn't be done, I mourn the loss of them.
In just the last six months I have thought I should...
Coach a basketball team (I don't even know the rules!)
Become an FBI profiler (go ahead, laugh. i am!)
Go back to school to be a doctor, counselor teacher and/or FBI profiler (let's play "Name That Major)
Have another baby and be a stay at home mom again
Move to Kenya (I would teach at the school and hubby could farm)
Take up public speaking/teaching
Try out for a part in a local theatre
Teach ESL in an elementary school (I don't even speak a Second Language)
Be an author/professional blogger
Retire (From what?)
Start a non-profit to help prostitutes, addicts, individuals with HIV/AIDS, and prevent teen pregnancy
Open a life coaching office (I NEED a life coach!)
Open a restaurant
Begin making perfumes from home with my newly found horticulture interest (Stupid Longwood Gardens)
Go to culinary school (that one lasted about a minute)
Talk my bosses into opening a boring office in Lancaster so I don't have to figure out what to do
I have recently narrowed my options (as if many of them were actually options) to about five. BUT, I can't even take myself seriously. When I think I may like to do something long-term, I am quickly reminded of the MANY things (and people) I loved a lot for a little. Or the ones thought I would and just didn't. As a child we can believe we will become president or Miss America, a famous actress or an astronaut. It's perfectly normal to watch an ice skating movie and then practice in your socks on the linoleum kitchen floor thinking it's qualifying you for the Olympics. Although I like that my mind doesn't have many limits on what is possible, I think it makes finding "reality" a bit more difficult. And I wonder what it means to be a "grown-up".
Let's stop here. In my house there is a certain unfortunate condition plants tend to succumb to. It's called "Failure to Thrive Inspite of Serious Neglect" or FTISN for short. I don't even remember to water a plant and I think I will dedicate all of the time and conscientious effort required to carefully pruning a Bonsai? A few days later, one of the plants which has been unfortunate enough to end up in my house was browning. I remembered the Bonsai, took out my kitchen sheers and began snipping. 'Til I was done, there was little plant left , BUT I had satisfied the Bonsai desire in me.
Then, this past weekend I was volunteering at an African Festival and got the grand idea, "Maybe I should take African dance lessons and join the Nbonye Dance and Drum Ensemble". Of course to have this thought, I must suppress memories of previous dance experiences, where it took me SIX times longer than everyone else and I still couldn't get my parts down.
I get ideas, really bad ideas that cannot actually fit into my life or be nurtured by me and then I swaddle them and tuck them in close to my heart and begin to feel attached to them. Then, even though they were VERY bad ideas from the beginning, when I realize they can't or better put shouldn't be done, I mourn the loss of them.
In just the last six months I have thought I should...
Coach a basketball team (I don't even know the rules!)
Become an FBI profiler (go ahead, laugh. i am!)
Go back to school to be a doctor, counselor teacher and/or FBI profiler (let's play "Name That Major)
Have another baby and be a stay at home mom again
Move to Kenya (I would teach at the school and hubby could farm)
Take up public speaking/teaching
Try out for a part in a local theatre
Teach ESL in an elementary school (I don't even speak a Second Language)
Be an author/professional blogger
Retire (From what?)
Start a non-profit to help prostitutes, addicts, individuals with HIV/AIDS, and prevent teen pregnancy
Open a life coaching office (I NEED a life coach!)
Open a restaurant
Begin making perfumes from home with my newly found horticulture interest (Stupid Longwood Gardens)
Go to culinary school (that one lasted about a minute)
Talk my bosses into opening a boring office in Lancaster so I don't have to figure out what to do
I have recently narrowed my options (as if many of them were actually options) to about five. BUT, I can't even take myself seriously. When I think I may like to do something long-term, I am quickly reminded of the MANY things (and people) I loved a lot for a little. Or the ones thought I would and just didn't. As a child we can believe we will become president or Miss America, a famous actress or an astronaut. It's perfectly normal to watch an ice skating movie and then practice in your socks on the linoleum kitchen floor thinking it's qualifying you for the Olympics. Although I like that my mind doesn't have many limits on what is possible, I think it makes finding "reality" a bit more difficult. And I wonder what it means to be a "grown-up".
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