Wanna get naked?

When I was 19, my first hubby didn't think that being an at-home-mom was a lucrative enough endeavor.  He was a drug addict, but rather than stop using, he thought I should get a job.  We had lots of fights about this, but as you will find by this story, I didn't win many fights in that marriage.  He made me sign up to be an Amway Representative.  I thought, "one day I will look back on this and laugh"  I guess 14 years isn't quite long enough.   I  went to all the the big conferences and listened to all of the "how to sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves" techniques.  My sister-in-law at the time, taught me to say "Money is no object".  I had to practice that more times than my Lamaze breathing exercises.  I remember thinking, "What is a lie and what is sales and what is dreaming and when does it matter?"   I learned about "posturing" and how to look like you know everything and have it all together.  Though I never sold an Amway product, I learned to sell me, or at least the form of me I wanted you to buy.  At one point I called it "Paul Syndrome" being all things to all men." It was a clever disguise of my clever disguise.  I just referred to it as being "relevant" (this is a whole nother post" ((holy crap that is bad English and I LOVE it))

I have a limited ability to have intimacy with others because being intimate with them puts me in a position where I have to cope with their shortcomings and areas I don't agree.  I like to be right and think that I am most of the time.  Statistically speaking, I can't be as right as much I think.  So, I am  forced to look at an alternative view.  I could very well be not-so-right, wrong or even there is no clear right answer.  When I say "Let's just agree to disagree" what I am really saying is "I know you are wrong and I am satisfied with that and I am too tired or don't care enough about your opinion of me to spend more time trying to show you just how right I am".  While I am thinking this, I am also thinking... "They are such a pain in the ass to be in relationship with".  This is more ironic than 10,000 spoons any day.

Intimacy requires trust.  I have to trust that if you see me and know me, you can still love me.  And I can't trust that from anyone else, because I can't trust that from myself (the only person I DO trust).  This is two-fold.  I know me and I don't like me.  And if I know you too well there is a good possibility I won't like you either.  So many of our perceptions are based on life experience.  ALL of my life experiences have involved me.  How I respond and perceive to people has shaped how I believe you will perceive and respond to me as well.

This blog is a form of false intimacy.  I liked that idea when I first started using it, but now I am not so sure.  I want intimacy and I crave community.  I like conversations, blogging is like this "I tell you what I think, saw, want....then you say "Yay or Boo" then I say "Wow, I really am amazing and clever" or "They really don't know what they are talking about".  Then sometimes people will talk amongst themselves like on DM's blog...("jessica" is yours truly, i was all incognito and stuff)...but I am not sure these are real conversations either.  I recently read Rob Bell's book Sex God.  Sara gave it to me and I like the idea of intimacy with Sara and she seems to be able to handle it from me and maybe giving a book is intimate.  I read it in one day while flying to Dallas.  It was nothing like I thought.  I learned the importance of the "Me Too" factor.  Those two comforting words that say I am not all alone here in this big unknown, I have company here and maybe I am getted or gotten.  Then, I remember the "me" factor in the "me too" and wonder how possible that really is.

I showed your mine...now.....